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My daughter turned 5 yesterday. She can count higher than Holy Kiss.

QIC:  Burrito

Date: 03/12/2020

PAX: Prosciutto, Whittler, PediaSure, Holy Kiss, Gusher, Laces Out, Recycle

AO: SmackDown

Conditions

Delightfully pleasant, until the monsoon that hit precisely at 6:10 a.m.

COP

1. Mosey x 400

2. 21 (with burpee penalty)

3. Willie Mays Hayes

4. Forward Fold

5. 20 Merkins (OYO)

6. Little Baby Arm Circles (not to be confused with “Baby Arm Circles”)

7. Little Moroccan Nightclubs

8. Little Ray Lewis

9. 21 (with another burpee penalty, because Holy Kiss is the only idiot on Signal Mountain who doesn’t know how to count to 21).

The Thang

Divide into teams of four (4). One member of each team goes to goalpost. Another member of each team goes to opposite goalpost. Two remaining members of each team start on goal line as runners.

On my “go,” it’s a relay, with the guys at each goalpost doing exercising, then being “tagged out” by the runners.

Round 1 (each team member runs 3 220s (down and back). Exercises on Goalposts: (1) Coupon Curls; (2) Merkins.

Round 2 — exercises: (1) Coupon Rows; (2) LBCs.

Then, to the Wall of Pain.

Round 1: Pass the Coupon down the row and back as each PAX sits on the wall.

Round 2: Pass the Coupon down the row. After each pass, the passer does 5 Merkins.

Finale: in a circle on the field, each PAX does two (2) John McCains with the Coupon as the other PAX hold plank.

COT

This COVID-19 stuff is bananas, but the Psalmist states that we have no fear because our trust is in the Lord (Psalm 27:1-3).

Moleskin

I don’t really like any of these guys. To wit:

1. Whittler is, generically, mean. I bet his bedside manner is the best. He didn’t even stick around for the COT.

2. Prosciutto thinks he invented the Upright Row, and his gold chain blinds me early in the morning.

3. Laces Out thinks Memphis is better than UT, and also tried to make me believe that he was involved in a true kicking rivalry. A KICKING RIVALRY! That’s like saying Vanderbilt and Northwestern have a football rivalry.

4. Gusher criticizes and text shames me because I typically don’t do Backblasts. I’m going to heckle him during his next sermon.

5. PediaSure is a doctor, but can’t even answer all of my questions about the Coronavirus.

6. Holy Kiss can’t count, and makes us all look stupid.

7. Recycle is okay — he’s only been out there a week, so I haven’t found a reason to hate him yet. I’m sure I’ll find something soon.

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    A Herd of Turtles Stampeding through Peanut Butter

    QIC:  Burrito

    Date: 12/03/2019

    PAX: Friar Tuck, Blind Side, Kickback, Holy Kiss, Prosciutto, Whittler, Milk Man, (Anal) Fissure, Gecko, Gusher, Pomade, Laces Out, Sidekick (Money Ball — in spirit)

    AO: Smackdown

    Conditions

    Let’s just say no one volunteered to stick their tongue to the flag pole.

    COP

    1. 400-Yard Warm-Up Mosey Around the Track

    2. Willie Mays Hayes (x12) “I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.”

    3. SSH x21 (Q led in cadence for first 5, then silence until 21). If we all stop in cadence, no penalty (we did it on first try!)

    4. Nick Saban (10-count) (bend forward and hold your ankles). Also could be called the Andy Dusfresne.

    The Thang

    Rocky Relay of Pain

    • Divide into teams of 3. Two team members at one goalpost, other at the opposite goalpost. Goal is to run 15 120-yard sprints, totaling one mile.
    • One man does exercises (alternating between coupon curls and coupon squats) at one end of field, second man runs the 120-yard dash, then tags the third, who has been doing exercises at the other end of the field (alternating between Merkins and LBCs).
    • Each man runs 15 sprints, with an exercise between each, alternating ends of the field.

    Crappy Partner Exercises

    • Next, partner exercises: (1) 50-yard wheelbarrow, switching off at the halfway point.
    • Then, 50-yard crab walk back.

    In retrospect, this was horrific. HORRIFIC. 50 yards is forever for both of these exercises.

    Ab Circle

    • Finished with 5-6 minutes of ab exercises (PAX choice x 1 minute/20 reps), then mosey back to the flag.

    A few thoughts:

    (1) being Q is awesome (and 10x harder than I thought it would be). I can’t wait to do it again, and make everyone miserable.

    (2) Bluetooth speakers are for the birds — my Rocky music fell a bit flat. We listened to a lot of YouTube ads while doing curls.

    (3) Whittler is my best frenemy.

    (4) Prosciutto likes to be touched — a lot. Like, everyone should hug him every time they see him henceforth.

    (5) Big shout out to those who drove up to God’s Country from Peonville to partake (Milk Man, Friar Tuck, Anal Fissure, Sidekick, Blind Side — I hope I didn’t leave anyone out).

    (6) Fissure is really fast. The white Usain Bolt.

    COT

    Who would have ever thought? My first F3 (over a year ago) was a disaster. These guys were total freaks. I wanted no part of the cult. I kept expecting David Koresh to appear and hand me a Solo cup. My aim for the next six months was to troll all living F3 frat boys.

    But then, I went back. Why? I’m still not sure, but I did (Side note — Prosciutto confessed he hoped I never came back, because my negativity would kill the positive vibe). Hahahahahahahahaha! Now, I can’t get enough. I’m thankful for F3 — it’s improved my faith, my marriage, not to mention my rockin’ bod.

    Moleskin

    Blind Side is from Mississippi. He’s not used to cold weather, so he dresses like Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story.

    Gecko — huge improvement from last week’s FNG appearance to today.

    Friar Tuck — way to hang, Clydesdale. The man never gives up; proud of your effort today.

    Whittler, congratulations. You now have made my top 10 list of favorite general surgeons in Chattanooga.

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