Go till the buzzer

QIC:  Gretel

Date: 02/09/2021

PAX: Blue, Cleaver, Doogie, Dundee, Geek Squad, Hasbro, NordicTrack, Roomba, Slois Lane, U-Turn, 

AO: The Huey


Conditions

40ish degrees, pleasant, we wore too many layers but, hey, better to have them and not need them, than need them and not have them…is that right?


COP

SSH 20 IC

WMH 10 IC

3rd grade 10 IC

10 burpees OYO

Forward fold 10 IC

LBAC 10 IC forward then reverse

Moroccan night clubs 10 IC

SSH 31 IC

Mosey to Love Shack


The Thang

Tabatas 

10 exercises – 45 sec on, 15 sec rest

1st set

Squat front kick

Alternating lunges

Bobby Hurley

Alternating reverse lunges

Pulse squat 

Pulse reverse lunge R

Pulse reverse lunge L

Pop jacks

Reverse lunge w/knee up R

Reverse lunge w/knee up L

5 Burpees for beer truck

2nd Set

Hand release merkins

Carolina dry docks

Shoulder taps

Superman (prone extensions)

Dips

Superman rows

Nolan Ryan L

Nolan Ryan R

Side push-up L

Side push up R

5 Navy Seals for Red Bull truck

 

3rd set

30 sec on, 15 sec rest

LBCs

Flutter kicks

Big boy sit-ups

Box cutters 

Pretzel L

Pretzel R

Hello Dolly

Freddie Mercury 

Gas pumps

American hammer


COT

Commitment: The spirit of determination and dedication that leads to professionalism and mastery of your craft. It promotes the highest order of discipline and is the ingredient that instills dedication, pride, concern for others, and an unrelenting determination to achieve a standard of excellence in every endeavor. Commitment is the value that establishes you as the one that others strive to emulate. 


Moleskin


  • Coupons were on hand “just in case anyone needs one”……nobody needed one.
  • Gretel may or may not work out at home to a continuous loop of “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid soundtrack.

News

[Fill in News, Upcoming Q’s, Events, etc.]


Recent Backblasts

    The Morn’s First Blush, Tight Pants, Power Ballads, and the Aesthetics of Symmetrically Stacked Blocks

    QIC:  Gusher

    Date: 02/09/2021

    PAX: A-A-Ron, Booger, Burrito, Coney, Friday, Holy Kiss, Jenny Craig, Joanna, Laces Out (Respect), Mansiere, Pomade, Pound Dog, Prosciutto,  Recycle, Red Raider,  Shank, Snow Patrol, Truck Stop

    AO: Smackdown


    Conditions

    The gloom welcomed 19 PAX with what some would describe as, “ideal conditions.” Smackdown men are notorious for many things, one of which is the readiness with which they describe atmospheric conditions in broad categories ranging from ‘less than ideal,’ ‘ideal,’ and the almost hallowed sacrosanct rare ‘more than ideal.’ ‘More than ideal’ is a distant cousin of ‘infamous.’ Something that, according to the OG Tres Amigo Ned Niederlander, is so famous that it is in famous. More than ideal conditions is a condition, which is so ideal, a HIM is utterly confounded in the presence of such ideality. A weather so perfect there is not a greater or more perfect weather that could be imagined. We can thank the medieval meteorologist, Anselm, for this ontological proof of supreme weather. However, today was not that day. Conditions were just ideal. Mediocre one might say. And mediocrity is the unsung hero of humanity. “What does ideal weather look like?” you ask. “Well, I don’t really know, as one cannot look upon weather and see its substance.” “Ah, yes, for shame for shame, what I meant was, what does ideal weather feel like?” you correct yourself freshly grasping the importance of verb precision. “Now, you are on to something. Weather we may not see, but it is that which we feel. And if Smackdown is notorious for describing weather in broad categories, it is more notorious for describing and sharing its feelings with remarkable male precision.” The weather both registered and felt like 45 degrees. Forty-five, that mid-range number divisible by three whereby a man can wear tight pants and move comfortably around the gloom, while another man (and by another man we mean Recycle) can wear shorts and cowboy boots and retain stud status in untroubled delight. The wind whispered and the willows wept; the birds sang the blessed song of the semicolon. All was ideal in the world where these men were 1,703 ft closer to the stars in the sky. Ideal indeed.

    Look at the condition of these beautifully stacked blocks by Smackdown’s very own legends, Recycle and Hambone (Respect).

    COP

    A Short Lap around a Short Track, SSH (IC), Forward Fold on Burrito’s Moanful Count, Willy Mays Hays (IC), SSH (IC)


    Farmer Carries and a Hi-Ho, the Derry-O

    Everyone grabs a block and chooses a partner, which is much less awkward than grabbing a partner and choosing a block. Ask YHC’s partner how he knows. Verb precision is the lesson of the day.
    Partner Farmer Carries
    Begin at Goal Line where one PAX performs two exercises in a repeated fashion. This is similar to someone’s two song playlist on shuffle and repeat. Partner farmer carries two blocks to the 50 yard line where an exercise is performed with one block and farmer carries back to goal line and switches. Total of 3 Rounds, three sets each.

    Round 1: Goal Line Exercises – 20 Merkins/20 LBCs while partner farmer carries to 50yrd line and performs 25 curls and returns. Three trips each.

    Round 2: Goal Line Exercises – 25 Plank Jacks with Posterior Down/25BBSUs while partner farmer carries to 50yrd line and performs 20 Block Swings and returns. Three trips each.

    Round 3: Goal Line Exercises – 20 Squats/20 Leg-Ups while partner farmer carries to 50yrd line and performs 20 bent over rows and returns. Three Trips each.


    COT

    Just a little thought from Proverbs. Proverbs provides us a manual for wisdom, which is the skill or ability to live in God’s world according to God’s way. The book spends a significant amount of time on the use of words and the power of the tongue. Words can harm, divide, they have the power of life and death, they can build up, they can tear down, they can fill a person up or expose a person to be what they truly are;;;; words can spread like wild fire, they can communicate truth, or words can deceive;;;;;;; they can be gentle or harsh, rashly spoken, or timely and aptly given. According to one study the average amount of words is around 15 to 16,000 per day. I’m not sure about that. But statistics are neat. Proverbs 17:27 says, The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.  Just a reminder that one aspect of wisdom and being leaders in the spheres we are placed is to be even-tempered, not rash or hot spirited, and this will be reflected in our use of words. A calm word can deescalate a situation, and an even tempered spirit and restrained words can be powerful. So I just want to encourage us all to use our words well, and seek to respond to distressing and frustrating circumstances with restraint. It is easy to be harshest with those we love the most. May our words be used for good.

    Moleskin

    There is something magical about the mystique of the 1980s power ballad. A ditty as it were, with both power and sentimental melodic charm. Few capture the complex charisma and glamour;;;;;;nay, I dare say, the sine qua non, of the power ballad, more than our very own Burrito. Sure, he may have 734 backblasts in the queue from the last six months, but that is easily and happily overlooked when he belts out ‘Everything I do, I do it for you’ while staring more deeply than a properly formed sumo squat into another PAX’s eyes. What compels a man (and by man, I mean lead singer of 80s hair band) in tiger print spandex to sing ‘#1 Bad Boy’ in one breath and then serenade a decade of roller skaters with cropped mid-riff exposing t-shirts in the next with the botanical reminder that “Every Rose Has Its Thorn?” We get it, roses have thorns, dusks have dawns, and cowboys have their sad, sad songs. These are the mysteries of life that one just has to sigh and let go. A man will drive himself mad. And if you are feeling on the verge of madness, then F3 is for you. If you wear cut off jeans and cropped t-shirts, then FIA may be for you. We don’t judge. There is a risk, however, to surrounding oneself with others with a Power Ballad and an 80/90s Soundtrack playlist at 5:30 in the morning. Sure, Rocky IV inspires, but how will John Parr, that man in motion with a pair of wheels, come across when he tells you about where your future is lyin’? What if there really is a fire in St. Elmo? This has a bit of a trigger for folks who may have family and friends living in St. Elmo. That is a lot of pressure to be put into when you are responsible for carrying blocks a total of 100 yards. You have a partner repeatedly performing impeccable formed motions on any given exercise with specific instructions to continue doing those aforementioned exercises until you return with two coupons. F3 exists to release the pressures of life with male fellowship. Maybe Soundgarden is better for this time of day? This must be left to you. YHC is just asking the questions. Smackdown/Convoy PAX loves their sportsball movies and sportsing. General consensus from a few months ago, if YHC recalls accurately suggests that Air Bud might be the best cinematic representation of sports, of the canine variety;;;;more than something like, say, Hoosiers, which is remarkably predictable. When there are four different camera angles of one jump shot there is a 96% Pfizer/Moderna level chance of that shot going in the orange cylinder. Interestingly and refreshingly, no one really has strong opinions. If you like discussions to be intellectually stimulating and not emotionally disruptive, then F3 is for you. 38% of Rocky IV is a montage. Rocky IV soundtrack pilfered its own Rocky II soundtrack for songs. 38% montage, 2% creativity. Like skim milk. Does anyone really go to the store thinking, “I’d love some milk, but water it down to say, hmmm, to a 98% reduction and maybe just 2% milk retention?” Again, just asking the questions. However, Rocky IV did end the Cold War, so we accept it and Smackdown honors it weekly. Speaking of weekly, it is valentine’s week so the expressions of love were endless. And by endless, YHC means 6:15am when official activities are over for the day. If you want the most difficult part of your day over by 6:15am, then F3 is for you. This is not a cult, but the need to join for the sake of your own well-being is off the charts. That means that if one were to make a chart with ‘poor well-being’ represented in the lower left corner of the chart paper and ‘more than ideal well-being’ represented by the upper right corner of the chart paper, F3 would be above that, literally off the chart paper. F3 is unquantifiable. F3 has all the intangibles. It has 3 F’s and intangibles. YHC would like to publicly thank Burrito for the inspiration for today’s playlist. I can’t speak for other HIM of Smackdown, but without you we would have been smelling like teen spirit and raging like rats in a cage. Because of you, we were able to farmer carry coupons a total of 900 yards like men in shining armor from along time ago, all and only for the glory of love. We thank you.


    News

    Forearms were burning so no one remembers if there was any news.


    Recent Backblasts

      The Morning After Party

      QIC:  GeekSquad 

      Date: 2/8/21

      PAX: Hasbro, Mr. Clean,  Squid, Tasty Cakes & U-Turn

      AO: Shot House


      Conditions

      Brrrr. 26 degrees. Kept warm by staying moving the whole time

      COP

      SSH x 15
      LB arm circles forward then backward x 15
      Moroccan Night Club x 15
      Overhead Presses x 15
      Cherry Pickers x 15
      Prosciutto’s Gold Chains x 15
      SSH x 15
      Windmill x15
      Willie Mayes Hayes X 15
      Imperial Walkers x 15
      Forward Fold -OYO
      SSH x 15

      Indian Run around the track passing the speaker to the back and running it to the front

      Da Thang

      2 mile total 

      1st 2 laps around track mosey to bleachers and do 20 box jumps (to jump around), 35 dips & 55 LBCs
      then to next station 55 squats, 40 mountain climbers, 15 burpees

      3rd / 4th Lap
      10 Carolina Dry Docks, 20 step ups & 25 Freddie Mercury’s (2nd time monkey humpers to The Humpty Dance.
      then to 24 Count lunges, 16 Peter Parkers, 15 Dive Bombers

      Mosey back to Parking Lot for Mary’s

      Heel touches x 10
      Pretzels x 10 each leg

      COT

      Perfect timing – Jesus demonstrated it!
      John 7:1; 6-9

      “After this Jesus went about in Galilee. He would not go about in Judea, because the Jews were seeking to kill him.”
      John 7:1 ESV. Then beginning in vs 4
      His Earthly brothers said to Him…

      “For no one works in secret if he seeks to be known openly. If you do these things, show yourself to the world.” For not even his brothers believed in him. Jesus said to them, “My time has not yet come, but your time is always here. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify about it that its works are evil. You go up to the feast. I am not going up to this feast, for my time has not yet fully come.” After saying this, he remained in Galilee.”
      John 7:4-9 ESV
      https://www.bible.com/59/jhn.7.4-9.esv

      Have you ever had something you were praying for/seeking as an opportunity and everything just worked out perfectly from a timing perspective?

      As a leader, decision making and the timeliness of it can make all the difference in the world. Everyday, we are faced with decisions that stretch and grow us…if we lean into them and embrace them? In the passage i read, Jesus knew the Jews wanted to kill him and he knew the timing wasn’t right for him to perform his next miracle at one of the biggest festivals of the year. His brothers wanted that to be his stage to reveal himself to the world. But, Jesus knew his time wasn’t until Passover. He still showed up, but delayed in doing so, because he as the God/Man trusted the Father’s plan and allowed it to play out in God’s timing.

      I want to leave you with this as a leadership thought on perfect timing.

      When you have a crucial conversation or big decision to make, lay it God’s feet and Trust God with it. Ask Him to reveal in his perfect timing like he did with Jesus. What I have found to be true is that God has been faithful to reveal to me when the timing was right in making that tough decision. He never shows up too early and never too late, but always right on time. When you are unsure wait and let God work. when you do, you will look back on it later and see that He made it clear at just the right time!


      Recent Backblasts

        Online Grammarians Announce First ‘R’ in February Is Not Really Silent…Expert Hedge Linguists React Accordingly and Sound Like Morons. Silent ‘R’ usage skyrocket

        QIC:  Gusher

        Date: 02/06/2021

        PAX: A-A-Ron, Blue, Hambone (Respect), Pound Dog, Prosciutto, Snow Patrol

        AO: Convoy


        Conditions

        As the moon wanes into its introverted crescent form, it does so with the insecure embarrassment of being in its gibbous stage until the next new moon, FebRuary 11. Yet under the dissipating visibility of our melancholic lunar circulator, seven men descended upon Convoy with the confidence of a 16 yr old seventh grader with a moped. The temperature was an honest 28 degrees with none of his usual, ‘hey, I’m 28 but I feel like 19.’ Who needs that dishonestly in their life. And let’s be honest, when one is 28 and wants to appear 19, there is some deep seated issues at play. But not today. What you see is what you feel, and we felt all 28 of those degrees. And it felt nice. Wind was calm like that third student partner in 9th grade biology lab who neither participates nor complains, but is just there. The stars shown brightly illuminating the sky, much to the chagrin of the aforementioned brooding waning moon. “Hey, moon, be not downcast; (semicolon) we will pick up the six. It’s what we do, leave no heavenly body behind, and leave no heavenly body where you find it,” reassured the stars. The resident astrologer (who also happens to be the resident expert on all things gold chains, cannoli, etc…and we are all the better for this HIM) suggested that we multitask during Leg Ups by focusing on the large incandescent bodies above. Often times one will see a shooting star. YHC, however, couldn’t tell if the flash above was a shooting star or early onset glaucoma and/or astigmatism. All agreed the stars were pleasant. As they remain fixed above, there yet remaineth hope that one will be seen another day. And where hope runneth free, thine own heart rushes with exceedingly great joy. As Edmund Dantes poignantly stated, “til the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words,—’Wait and hope.’ Hedge Expert Linguists’ confidence is utterly shot as they wonder whether the ‘g’ in poignant is silent or not. They decide it is. Another win for phonics. Humidity was 72%, C-. Could do better if applied itself more.


        COP

        SSH (IC), Forward Fold in Honor of AOQ, Willy Mays Hays, IW (IC), Lap around parking lot with random merkins to allow time to fix equipment.


        8 Station Mile

        As the title suggests, there are 8 stations around the track and the PAX will complete this 4 times for a total of one mile. The goal here is to be clear, not cute.
        Cone 1: 15 Merkins and bear crawl to next cone; Cone 2: 20 BBSU and lunge to next cone; Cone 3: 30 Squats Bernie to next cone; Cone 4: 25 Dips mosey to cone; Cone 5: 30 Monkey Humpers Jail Break to cone; Cone6: 25 Leg Ups mosey to cone; Cone 7: Wide Merkins mosey to cone; Cone 8: 25 LBCs.

        After Round 1, Rounds 2 and 3 increase the rep count; Round 4 same reps as at the start. In between Rounds 2 and 3 a cool down Indian Run to honor the next Full Moon known as the Snow Moon, FebRuary 27, 3:17am

        MARY: Circle of monkey humpers, Freddie Mercuries, and BBSU


        COT

        “Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you. Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to learning.” Proverbs 9:7-9.

        Wisdom is the skill or ability to take the knowledge you have and apply it in the best way as you navigate this life with all its complexities, relationships, and spheres. We do not attain wisdom without pursuing it. As leaders, we are to be conscientiously pursuing wisdom that we may best serve those with whom we love and with whom we work. One facet of this pursuit is to always be teachable. It is never fun or enjoyable to receive correction, and all too easy to react defensively. Yet, properly receiving correction makes us more wise. Even a rebuke is something to be embraced because through that rebuke/correction we can learn lessons for later. Through our mistakes we can learn greater wisdom if we embrace it. Are we willing to listen, are we willing to learn, are we willing to receive rebuke and confrontion, are we willing to grow as men and as leaders in the context and spheres that we find ourselves in each day? Receiving correction wisely and being teachable will also help us when we are called upon to give correction and teaching. We do so humbly and not with a heavy hand. Let me encourage you all to pursue wisdom and the humility needed to change and to attain it.


        Moleskin

        The men of the mountain (ridge?) are truly among the greatest. The insight of each is astounding, willing to listen, to critique, to courageously address issues that may evoke fear in lesser men. How much does one actually need to know in order to invest in the market? These men will tell you. And they will do so while squatting. Do you ever want to know an official Italian review of a cannoli? Well, at Convoy you can get that while lying on your back and sitting up in a repeated fashion. It is amazing this is free. Sure, it comes with a disclaimer suggesting that despite all appearances, not a single man here is a professional. You are not going to find that transparency in any cult. Let’s say you need to conclusively determine the top three songs played while getting your teeth cleaned at the Dentist. If this is you, F3 exists for you. 1. Wilson Phillips, ‘Hold On for One More Day.’ Look, we all know there’s pain (this is a free workout for crying out loud), so why do you lock yourself up in these chains (because gold chains communicate things), someday somebody’s going to EH you and make you want to turn your life around. Don’t say goodbye, until then are you going to let ’em hold you down and make you cry? Don’t you know things will change, things will go your way (when you post), If you hold on for one more day (echo whisper, “woah, things will go your way if you hold on). 2. Modern English, ‘Melt with You.’ Because we all know that when your teeth are getting clean and you are searching for a dignified and manly way to suck on the vacuum tube so another person can remove your drool, you want to be thinking about an atomic bomb dropping on two lovebirds. There exists another story here about a hygienist with a prosthetic hook, but that is for another day. Truly the best hygienist around. YHC digresses. The Cold War was real folks. And Modern English understood what was stake. It’s the perfect dental song. #3: Any Phil Collins post-Genesis ballad. Yes, we can all feel it coming in the air tonight. Where does the Phil Collins ballad belong on the pantheon of F3 Playlists? Is dental office genre music an acceptable inclusion on F3 Playlists? And seriously, don’t forget to floss. It takes more than one Indian Run lap to figure out where peanut butter and chocolate land on the food pyramid. How does one interpret the levels of a pyramid (not asking for any Essential Oils here, although there is nothing wrong with that). Does Peanut Butter belong on the lowest but foundational level? Without peanut butter we are all building on sinking sand. Chocolate on the top as the pinnacle of all things dairy? If these questions increase your curiosity, Convoy might be for you. If you have any questions, you can contact Convoy’s AOQ (Burrito) Monday through Friday for a reasonable fee while also protecting shareholder value;;;;;;;; (illegitimate semicolon use) or contact Convoy’s Other AOQ at any time for free. Both men are solid and this is indisputable and worthy of affirming reception. If you have made it this far, then YHC would like to take this time to point you in the direction of 9Volt’s Groundhog Day Letter to F3 Chattanooga. Once upon a time, Edgar Allen Poe and Ernest Hemingway were considered two of the greatest American Short Story Writers. This is no longer that time. Not anymore, nay, not anymore. Poe’s macabre appears amateur and childish and Hemingway’s dialogue simplistic and solipsistic when all compared to the literary genius who works out among F3 men and will forever live in F3 lore, 9Volt. Dickens’ A Christmas Story will now fuel the fire with its pages on Christmas Eve as there is new story to instill wonder and merriment for children from henceforth and forevermore. We all echo the words of that 4th/5th century genius Augustine, with the same fervency and urgency, “Take up and read, Take up and read.” Just like those who fought in the battle on St. Crispin’s Day, our children and grandchildren will with eyes of unfeigned wonder ask us, “where were you when you first read the Groundhog Letter to Men of F3?” And we will say, “By jove, my dear son, my fair granddaughter, the man that standeth with gray hair and old agedness before thee was not covetous for gold nor does it concern what doth garments now worn or hath been worn in the days of vibrant youth, for today is Ground Hog’s Day, and the one who outliveth that day and hath read that Letter upon the day of its publishing will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d, for on this day as on that first day thine old man lieth upon the COT of slumber without slumbering and read the letter of which words have ne’er been such constructed, tears floweth down the lines upon the face for the shout of all men that day rang forth in such amazement, for 9Volt penned the letter of letters and from that day to the ending of the world Groundhog Day hath been known as St. 9Volt’s Day. We few, we happy few, we band of F3 HIM of F3 Chattanooga will forever be bound not by blood, nor by cheap manhood, but by the literary bond of Tuesday, FebRuary 2, in the Two thousandth and Twenty-first year of our Lord. From thence doth lie the reason why many of your classmates own the monicker, 9Volt, for their parents nameth them with the hope that one ounce of greatness may pass upon them as such as represented in such a name.”

        FebRuary 6 Word of the Day: Limerence: “the state of being infatuated with someone, usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for relationship with someone.” This is a made up word from 1977 by American Psychologist Dorothy Tennov. Further details of definition suggest that one ought to toss this word around with utmost care.


        News

        No news is good news.


        Recent Backblasts

          Endurance

          QIC:  Mr. Clean

          Date: 02/05/2021

          PAX: Blue, Cleaver, Dundee, Geek Squad, Gretel, She Shed, Sherlock, Slois Lane, U-Turn

          AO: Shot House


          Conditions

          42 degrees. Felt like the mid thirties, and it was significantly different than the air at the Huey yesterday. It was very damp and moist. It was quite the dynamic. Ice spots on the track, but it also just felt like a super humid morning that wasn’t so cold.


          COP

          Fast Walk/Mosey to Track with Coupons


          The Thang

          YHC instructed Pax to grab a Battle Buddy. Not to be mistaken for a partner, the Battle Buddy is there to push and encourage his counterpart. This seemed to confuse the Pax as they thought it was a Dora especially when the rep count was revealed.
          I Have Nothing Creative for this, but the Pax agreed a routine similar will work for a monthly barometer. So, the ” The Monthly Barometer thing at Shot House Where We Lift Blocks and Run A Lot”??
          Run 2 Laps AYG
          100 Shoulder Presses
          Run 2 Laps AYG
          100 Curls
          Run 2 Laps AYG
          100 Bent Over Rows
          Run 2 Laps AYG
          100 Merkins
          Run 2 Laps AYG
          Leg Raises
          Run 2 Laps AYG
          Squats
          This “design” led to some modifying/mixing by the Pax. My only request was to do no less than 50 reps at a time and, of course, no less than one lap at a time. Minimum goal was 2 miles and 100 Merkins Completed. Ultimate goal — Complete ALL reps and run 3 miles.


          COT

          Endurance is often a hard thing to truly define. Yesterday at the Huey was all about endurance, but so was today. YHC promised the men of the Huey, yesterday; that today’s workout would be very different, and it was, so how then, are they both about endurance. Well, each required a man to push himself to finish something that was difficult.
          Today, we got our Battle Buddy for encouragement NOT competition. True endurance calls us to compete, Paul encourages competition in the Bible, but that competition is all about competition within rather than without.
          Finding motivation to push oneself in race in which someone else is leading is much easier than finding motivation to suddenly push harder.
          Funny thing, life is much more about the latter rather than the former. Life’s obstacles only provide the obstacle to surmount. It doesn’t provide a leader as a benchmark to “catch” before finishing.
          You want help with endurance, you must find the inner strength, but life does provide people. People can become Battle Buddies. Battle Buddy connections mean each man encourages the other to push hard and fast past the obstacles rather competing against each other to finish the obstacle first.


          Moleskin

          She Shed just lapped us! (Had to be there moment)
          Cinder Blocks clearly had more concrete in them when they were made “back in the day” or maybe that moss was extra heavy.
          So, are we in partners or not? Do we have to do that many together or separate?
          I think we are no partners by default…I got dropped — Gretel
          Ever told you I hate running? — Sherlock
          I hate running. — Dundee
          Due to lack of oxygen, the COT became CO2…


          News

          [Fill in News, Upcoming Q’s, Events, etc.]


          Recent Backblasts

            Last Time I Crawled This Much…I was Learning to Crawl

            QIC:  Mr. Clean

            Date: 02/04/2021

            PAX: Blue, Doogie, Geek Squad, Hasbro, Milkman, Slois Lane, U-Turn

            AO: Huey


            Conditions

            Low 30’s, but the Pax there could tell the temperature had been much lower. The entire park had this beautiful glisten that almost resembled snow as the bright lights, which light the flag, gazed upon the frosty grass. It was especially apparent around the “Choppa” as the contrast of the shadow met the glisteny (this is now a word, write it down) frost. Somehow, the air felt comfortably dry and perfect to breathe in the wonderful valley air.


            COP

            SSH x15 IC
            Forward Fold (full disclosure, after the pre-ruck, YHC needed to put his keys and phone in the truck….so, extended forward fold?) OYO
            Willie Mays Hays x12 IC


            The Thang

            We mosey/shuffled with blocks to the parking lot. YHC took care to make sure no Pax were uncomfortable sharing a block. All agreed, so off we went.
            Farm Work
            Pax 1 — Carry two coupons, suitcase carry style, to the curb. Once there, drop the coupons, and mosey back.
            Pax 2 — Complete 20 Squats
            Once Pax 1 returns, partners switch, Pax 2 moseys to the curb, retrieves the coupons and carries back to Pax 1.
            Rinse and Repeat the above process with a second round of squats, two rounds of leg raises, and two rounds of monkey humpers

            Just a Bunch of Babies
            At some point during this routine, a comment was made that inspired both the title this Backblast, as well as, the title of this routine.
            Pax partnered up once again. While one Pax completed 10 Straight Leg Deadlifts, the other Pax Bear Crawled as far as possible. Once deadlifts were complete, Pax ran and caught the other for an exchange. This process continued until we made it around the opposite curb and back.
            We switched partners and complete the same routine, with a little shorter distance and 15 LBCs. Next, we completed 20 curls keeping with the same routine.
            One more switch of the partners, 25 straight leg deadlifts, 20 LBCs, and 15 Curls. We, of course, completed the bear crawl routine between each exercise.

            We closed with Geek Squad leading us in Dolly for 12 reps IC and Blue leading us in Hollow Body Hold for 10 count IC.


            COT

            Regrets: If each Pax were surveyed and asked about regrets, my conjecture is this: he either (1) bows out his “pride muscles” by puffing out the chest and throwing his shoulders back and boldly claims, “I regret nothing”; (2) swallows his pride a bit and talks about attempting to regret little but admittedly regrets some past actions; or (3) boldly admits regrets exists in his life, but he works everyday to cut down on the actions he takes which cause regret.

            No matter the answer, YHC spoke about the opportunities in life in which we have opportunities to control the outcome significantly in order to prevent those regrettable moments.

            This morning centered around two simple ideas: The F3 workout and connecting with others. As Geek Squad once stated, “I have certainly regretted not going to a workout, but I have yet to regret going to a workout.” Powerful words. When the only hinderance between going to a workout is cold weather and a warm bed, then take away the opportunity for regret to seep into your life. Get out into the Gloom with your brothers.

            YHC moved into the next topic. Oddly enough, it connects with that whole brotherhood idea. We often throw around the word brother in F3. Do we really mean it? If so, who are we reaching out too as often as possible to check on them, connect with them, invite them to something, encourage them, or even, and this will sound gosh awful crazy, tell them you love them. If they’re truly you’re brother, then don’t you love them? What possible regret could come from something like this? So yeah, you may not get the same positivity and love in return, but that’s not why you’re doing it in the first place. It’s not for affirmation. It’s not because they deserve it. It’s not because they’re the cool kid. It’s because you care about them and genuinely want to know they’re well and want to offer support.

            TAPS for several individuals and family members, as well as, Friar Tuck and Nordic as they nurse hip injuries.


            Moleskin

            “We have literally never crawled this much since we were actually learning to crawl — Geek Squad
            “Do we bring the blocks?” — Slois Lane
            “The hips don’t lie, Mr. Clean.” — Blue


            News

            [Fill in News, Upcoming Q’s, Events, etc.]


            Recent Backblasts

              Football Theme aka Burpees If You Drop It

              QIC:  Sherlock

              Date: 02/03/2021

              PAX: Magnum, Free Time, Tasty Cakes, Band Camp, Geek Squad, Snatch, Ponce, Milkman, Hasbro

              AO: Shot House


              Conditions

              Low 30’s, felt like 20 with wind


              COP

              Stayed in parking lot for COP

              SSH x 20 IC
              Imperial walkers x 15 IC
              Windmills x 15 IC
              LBACs Fwd & Reverse x10 IC, Cherry Pickers x 10 IC, & Moroccan Night Club x 10 IC
              Willie Mays Hays x 12 IC
              3rd grade exercise x 10 IC
              Forward Fold – 10 count
              SSH x 20 IC


              The Thang

              Football Themed workout

              1. Mosey to track and do an Indian run for two laps around the track with football. Football was laterally passed to each PAX until the last person runs to front of the line with the ball to repeat.
              2. Line up on the end zone to begin the game. Ponce predicted a Superbowl final score of TB 35, KC 32 so we did the following on the goal line:
                35 Merkins
                32 Squats
              3. Picked a QB and a Receiver. From the goal line, the receiver will run a 10-15 yd route and try to catch the ball. All PAX hold plank during execution of route – 7 burpees for incomplete pass. Receiver becomes QB and repeat with next/new Receiver.
                Everyone bear crawls to the 20 yd line.
              4. Repeat with next two QBs and Receivers. PAX hold plank – 7 burpees for incomplete.
                Everyone crawl bear back to the goal line.
              5. Repeat with next two QBs and Receivers. PAX hold plank – 7 burpees for incomplete.
                Everyone karaokees to the 20 yd line and reverse lead continuing to the 40 yd line.
              6. Halftime – run up/down bleachers and do 14 dips before returning to the field.
              7. Repeat with next two QBs and Receivers. PAX hold plank – 7 burpees for incomplete.
                Everyone lunges to the 20 yd line.
              8. Repeat with next two QBs and Receivers. PAX hold plank – 7 burpees for incomplete.
                Everyone lunges to the goal line.
              9. Repeated above until time.

              COT

              Quote: “The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”
              ~ Lewis Grizzard (1946 – 1994, former American writer)


              Moleskin

              We quickly realized we were going to do a LOT of burpees…so somewhere maybe midway through we switched to squats when the ball was not caught. As Milkman mentioned in a slack post afterwards, it’s evident we are not going to be super bowl champs. The lit football was a big help to see in the falsely lit stadium lights…when the ball would stay lit :-). Overall it seemed to be a fun workout and will have to bring it back out for a future Q. Really appreciated all the fellowship this morning.


              Recent Backblasts

                Styx and Stones…But Mostly Stones

                QIC:  M.I.A.

                Date: 02/03/2020

                PAX:  AOL, Bandwagon, Clothespin, Escobar, Mayhem, Mothballs, Oui Oui, Point Break, Ramrod, Seagull, The Count, Toe Tag, Top’em

                AO: Hacksaw


                Conditions

                30ish and Windy


                COP

                SSH x 10
                Forward Fold
                Willie Mays Haze x 10
                LBAC/Reverse/SealClap/Overhead Press x 10 each
                SSH x 30
                Take a Lap


                The Thang

                We did some intervals with coupons today:

                Bent Over Row – 50 Seconds; Rest – 10 Seconds
                Squats w/ Coupon – 50 Seconds; Rest – 10 Seconds
                Overhead Press – 50 Seconds; Rest – 10 Seconds
                Manmakers – 50 Seconds; Rest – 10 Seconds

                We then repeated each exercise for 40 seconds with 10 seconds of rest in between, then 30 seconds with the same rests. Followed by a lap around the flag pole.

                We repeated the same intervals with the following exercises:

                Incline Merkins
                Squat Thrusters
                Thrusters Overhead Press
                Blockees
                No lap this time

                Deadlift
                Curls for the girls
                Triceps Extensions
                Manmakers

                COT


                Reliability is a key to improving yourself and the others around you. Being reliable enough to own your strengths, your weaknesses, and to admit when you are wrong. The below passage is regarding the discipleship of children, but the thought could be extended toward our spouses, friends, co-workers, etc.
                :

                “If there is something that you would like to see formed in your children, pray that it would be formed in you to model for them. Be a reliable source… For example, if you want your kids to speak kindly, then seek to be the epitome of kindness. If you would like to see your kids grow in patience, then make every effort to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19).” – Family Discipleship by Matt Chandler & Adam Griffin

                If we really are the sum of the five people we spend the most time with, we should be continually seeking to raise that bar and make those close to us better every day by reliably living out the ideals for which we strive, and having the integrity to admit it when we mess up.


                Moleskin

                Welcome back to Oui Oui after an extended absence from Hacksaw.

                The difference between Come Sail Away and Carry on Wayward Son is lost on the most respectable of the PAX this morning. You would be Fooling Yourself if you thought that this Blue Collar Man would recognize, even in The Best of Times, that none of these songs (or those played this morning) were recorded by Styx, and yes, YHC may have Too Much Time on My Hands.

                If you ever need someone to carry your coupon for you Toe Tag will probably be your guy!


                News

                Check the 3rd F channel for opportunities to get involved in the community.

                A Ground Hog’s Day Letter to the men of F3

                Prologue

                Most of you think that my original ground hog workout was the first time that I had engaged in ground hog related events, but actually the tradition goes back much farther. Originally I wrote a Christmas letter each year because my wife made me, but I got even by being very honest. Occationally, they would be very late and I began sending them out as Ground Hog’s Day letters. Sometimes they wouldn’t get done at all and then I would have to catch up. I am pretty sure that my friends and family used the 10 plus page letters as fire starters and intentionally forgot to send us change of address notices. Any way, some people liked them and it has been four years since I wrote one so here it is. You don’t even get the benefit of the fire.

                Friends, Family and Viruses,

                It’s the time of year when loved ones gather together. It is a special time to be thankful for all of the wonderful blessings in our lives.  That’s right, it’s almost Groundhog Day. 

                As most of you know I have been writing some form of annual’ish letter since 2001.  Originally it was done prior to Christmas as a punishment because;

                • I don’t like Christmas
                • Cathy had done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped the packaged, etc. Blah, Blah, Blah
                • Cathy had made enough fudge and cookies to make us social pariahs at any Holiday gathering
                • I don’t like Christmas
                • Mostly, because I don’t like Christmas and should be punished for it

                After the first few years the letters began getting later and less regular and have often been Kwanza or Groundhog’s day letters.  That is just my passive aggressive way of saying “I don’t like Christmas”.  Anyway, since there are several new readers this year I thought I should give you some background so you understand why you are receiving a small book of ramblings by a man who doesn’t like Christmas but does have a deep respect for groundhogs. 

                I’m sure you have received Christmas letters from people with exceptional children and well trained pets who have fabulous vacations and win the Nobel Prize on an annual basis.  This is not that letter.  My goal is simply to make you feel better about your own situation by telling you about mine.  Oh, and my memory is utter crap so I make up most of this stuff.

                The last Kwanza letter was mailed well after Kwanza 2016 and covered 2014 to the end of 2016 because of course it was late and had not been done in 3 years.  Now, with that behind us and the beer finally soaking in, let me proceed to describe the highly improbable events that make up my life.

                In January of 2017 we were living at the river house full time but the farm was not sold yet.  The property up the hill from us (Herefore to be known as Peckerwood Estates)[1] was unoccupied since the grandson of the woman (Louise) we bought our house from had been arrested and she towed the camper he was living in away. The property next to it (Squalor Holler) still had the burned down shack on it but the people whose meth lab was responsible for burning it down had stopped trying to rebuild it with scraps of an abandoned mobile home.  Since this constitutes a stable situation in Mr. Boettner’s neighborhood, we decided to go snow skiing in Utah.  Chris skied some more difficult slopes with me but Jack would only join us once we were back on safer terrain.  Jack may have shown better judgement since at one point Chris and I were completely lost at the edge of the world and had to pick our way down through the woods to find the resort again.

                After the holidays Jack continued his sophomore year at Notre Dame high school and Chris went back to his dorm in Auburn to finish his freshman year. 

                After the engine nearly fell off of the 1973 Glasstron boat while skiing Chris right in front of what would later be our house on the river, Cathy lost her sense of humor and declared that she would never step foot in the boat again.  I completely rebuilt the transom and assured her it was good to go but, STILL, no humor.  I finally ended up giving the boat away just to keep the peace and by January Cathy was on a mission to find us her a new boat.  After pestering me relentlessly with emails about every boat for sale in the South East she finally found her boat and began to pester the owner of it.  It was a 10 year old boat with only 150 hours that had been kept in dry dock unless it was actually being used.  The owner was an anally retentive airline pilot who had a set of pre-flight checklists and a box of Q-tips for polishing it after use.  Determined not to let it get away Cathy arranged to take it for a test drive as soon as TVA raised the water levels enough.  That is how we found ourselves freezing to death on Chickamauga lake in late February test driving a boat with one of Jack’s friends who was unfortunate enough to get mixed up in our dysfunction.  We bought the boat and immediately had to put it into dry storage for six weeks because we don’t get water at our dock until the beginning of April. 

                Spring was busy. 

                • Charlotte vomited a baby rabbit onto the carpet for Easter[2]
                • I set up the boat lift for the new boat and got to do a bit of diving for all the tools I dropped into the water.
                • We launched the boat and it started the first time. (Never in my life has that happened with any water craft)
                • We Cathy redecorated the small bedroom and we moved her office out of the laundry room which she shared with two dogs and a number of sentient tumble weeds made entirely of lint and dog hair.
                • Louise bough another very used camper and installed her drug addict son in it
                • Moved my shop and sold the farm on Memorial day
                • Cathy continued to run a booth at an “Antique” mall with her friend Debbie
                • Delilah grew a butt hole tumor the size of an eyeball and we got to donate to our vet’s kids college fund  yet again[3]

                Chris came home for the summer and scored a job at M&M Mars in Cleveland working in the training department for his old Scout leader.  He immediately recruited his friend and ex-rowing partner.  Chris is 6’3” and Dylan is 6’5” and they were paired up with Tommy who is 5’ tall and could easily be a midget wrestler.  They made sure to stand on either side of him as they walked around the office and posed as his hired muscle.

                Jack went to rowing practice in the mornings and mowed yards very badly in the afternoons.  For his 16th birthday he and Cathy found him a disposable car at the local Toyota dealer.  We tortured him for weeks by sending him pictures of minivans for sale but in the end it came down to one of two Toyota Avalons.  A gold one which was in better condition and a really ugly black one.  The Avalon is notorious for being an old person car and both specimens came complete with the large print dash boards, prostate support seat cushions and the turn signal permanently in the Left position.  For some reason, the thing that sent Jack over the edge was the gold color.  He begged Cathy not to get the gold one and even volunteered to make up the difference in price if it meant avoiding the stigma of a gold car.  We really didn’t care since we knew he would destroy it within the first year so we got Black Beauty. 

                Cathy and I spend the summer floating in the river with friends, which at one point included a giant fish that floated ashore and was picked clean by vultures in under an hour and a dead bloated opossum with an enormous erection (For an opossum) that got stuck under the dock.  It drifted under the dock for two days before I finally had to do something.  It was so bloated that I knew it was a veritable time bomb so I ended up scooping it into a 5 gallon bucket from the seat of a wave runner and depositing it in the main channel of the river where it was probably detonated by a passing boat.

                The ballad of Jed Clampett got a few more verses. 

                • Louise’s son got arrested and she moved her ex-husband into the camper and then proceeded to have arguments loud enough for us to hear on the back deck.
                • Bradley Code Enforcement took the owners of Squalor Holler to court over the mess and the wife was arrested at the courthouse metal detectors for trying to bring a crack pipe into court.
                • The owner of the house across the street died and his idiot wife let his two daughters and their two families move into two campers in the back yard. At the same time a grandson, his wife and infant moved into a garden shed.  For simplicity, we’ll call this place Salem’s Lot.

                As the summer waned the Boy Scouts at Salem’s lot roasted hot dogs over piles of burning garbage, screamed at each other and the ex-husband in the camper at Peckerwood Estates and kept the kind hours that make you think they were up to no good.  Eventually, the ex-husband got tired of being yelled at by Louise and the tribe of Salem’s lot and moved out and Louis sold the camper.

                In the Fall Jack began his junior year at Notre Dame.  He was rowing in a “Four” and driving Black Beauty to school, rowing and occasionally to Signal Mountain to see a certain lady friend.  His best friend’s mother backed into Black Beauty in their driveway and someone failed to stop at a traffic light and hit him in the rear, but you just couldn’t make that car any uglier.  He also had the poor sense be speeding in a POS in the ultra-exclusive village of Signal Mountain late at night where he stuck out like Gandhi in a Trump parade.   The signal mountain courthouse is very nice and because Jack dressed well and waited on the bench without playing with his phone the judge was impressed and he only had to go to a driver’s education class.

                In August moved Chris into his first apartment with a roommate that Cathy described as a bipedal puppy.  We (Cathy) decorated the kitchen wall with a large cardboard moose head that Chris insisted he didn’t want but proceeded to buy seasonal outfits for and still has in his apartment to this day.  Cathy and Debbie continued to run their “Antique Mall” booth, and the crap smiths spent their weekends buying things they didn’t need, painting them white and selling them to people they wouldn’t like.

                Mars/Wrigley reorganized and I was moved to the Cleveland plant.  I is much larger than the Chattanooga Wrigley plant and I had to get to know a lot of new people.  The “Antique” booth yielded treasures in time for Christmas.  Cathy’s sister Hanna received an Ass Clown liquor bottle commemorating the 1968 presidential campaign and I had something very special for a White Elephant gift for the Christmas gathering with a bunch of engineers who didn’t know me very well.


                [1] Technically, Estate means there is a mobile home on the property and this was only a small camper

                [2] Cathy rescued Charlotte some years ago.  She is of the “Common brown dog” breed and does not like to swim

                [3] Delilah is a used Treeing Walker Hound who’s hobbies include getting her ass kicked by the local wild life, being sprayed by skunks and tumor farming

                Needless to say I have subsequently been ostracized by the entire engineering team.  We also had one of Cathy’s friends who is an art appraiser take a look at the artifact but she declined to give an opinion.

                Once the holidays were over Cathy’s attention turned to her evil plans for renovating the house.  We evicted the dogs and tumbleweeds from the laundry room and began to transform it into a butler’s pantry / laundry suite.  We also used the bunk beds that had been in the room we made into Cathy’s office to make the worst guest room ever in the storm shelter under the front porch.  The butler’s pantry turned out so well that people wouldn’t get out of it when our “Drinks on the Dock” party got rained on.  To this date the visitor’s list for the guest room is blank.

                In February we helped celebrate the completion of the Knoxville Cathedral and got to see some of the New Orleans crew.  Cathy’s friend Amber (No, that’s not a “stage” name) had surgery and she went to New Orleans to help.  Since I was unsupervised and may have been drinking, I found a very loud shirt with pictures of wrestling legend Rick Flare all over it.  I wear it proudly, Cathy hates it.

                When we were at the farm we had purchased a small mountain of rocks which we built a number of garden walls out of.  Most of these walls fell down and were eventually converted back into a small mountain of rocks piled in the barn yard.  Then prior to selling the farm we transported all these rocks to the river where we built a rock wall along the river bank, which also fell down.  So, in February, we moved all of the stones out from the river edge and had someone come install some Rip Rap to hold the bank in place.  Then we spent several days in March carefully placing the mountain rocks on top of the Rip Rap so it would look pretty. 

                • We ran out of mountain stone
                • We broke the small wagon that I pull behind the lawn mower
                • Thankfully, the water came up before we could buy more stone

                Jack had a strong spring 2018 rowing season and we went to Sarasota for regionals in May.  We stayed in a LaQuinta hotel where I learned;

                • “No Moleste” is Spanish for do not disturb
                • People look at you strange if you continue to repeat No moleste to your wife in the elevator
                • Saying “No Moleste” will not keep your wife from hitting you

                Chris came home in June and we both worked at M&M Mars in Cleveland.  Jack continued to mow yards very badly and Cathy kept doing business consulting with a side of crap smithing on the weekends.  In

                My niece Hope’s wedding was at the end of June in Knoxville and we all went up for it.  People in Knoxville hotels don’t know what “No Moleste” means but they still look at you strange if you repeat it to your wife in the elevator.  “No Moleste” is still no deterrent to battered husband syndrome.

                Delilah got in a fight with the redneck dog from Salem’s lot and came home with one canine tooth sticking out of her head at the wrong angle.  Rather than just pulling it the vet assured us that he could save the tooth by wiring it in place.  Since his kids were doing well in college we felt they deserved our continued contributions to their tuition so Delilah got a new grill. 

                In the Fall Chris went back to Auburn and Jack started his senior year at Notre Dame.  Our nephew Sam came from Germany to stay in Chattanooga with a much nicer family than his sister did when she was an exchange student at Notre Dame.   I must have had some kind of head trauma because I can’t remember much of the fall and winter but some of the things I made up are;

                • We taught Sam to water ski
                • The owners of Squalor Holler showed up with a boat trailer full of garbage and set fire to it
                • The Bradley County Fire Chief educated the Squalor Holler crew on Tennessee state fire codes
                • The Boy Scouts at Salem’s lot disappeared suddenly just a few days before the fugitive apprehension task force knocked on our door asking questions about them.
                • Black Beauty was hit again by some member of Jack’s best friend’s family
                • I lost my mind and agreed to be in charge of the food for the rowing regattas
                • Jack quit rowing after the Fall Season
                • I was STILL in charge of food for the rowing regattas
                • I went to a lot of rowing regattas
                • Jack chose the University of Alabama in Huntsville as his intended college
                • Jack toured the University of Alabama at Huntsville and left after less than 2 hours because “It’s like a giant home school convention and everyone’s eyes are set directly over their ears”
                • Jack chose the University of Louisville after his brother forced him to research schools while riding back from Auburn.
                • Jack toured Louisville and discovered;
                  • I was serious when I told him he was responsible for planning the trip
                  • I was right when I told him to bring a coat (he didn’t)
                  • The JB Speed school of Engineering has no connection to auto racing
                  • In spite of everything it was a good program
                • Some dog tried to adopt us but I wouldn’t let anyone give it a name before I could take it and a donation to the ASPCA.  They called her Doglett, but that’s not a real name so it doesn’t count.
                • One of Cathy’s consulting clients sold their company and the new owner hired her as the CEO
                • Jack took a job at Food City bagging groceries
                  • He didn’t like the job
                  • He did like their sheet cakes
                  • He ate a large quantities of sheet cakes
                  • He quit the job
                  • He still has a sheet cake monkey on his back
                • I joined a cult that claims to be a network of peer led men’s workouts, but it’s really a cult

                Christmas 2018

                We had a normal (For us) Christmas with various dog costumes, socks and Christmas underwear for everyone.  Cathy even got a new vacuum.  The boys were horrified until they realized that it was a joke and we just happened to need a new vacuum since Jack would be taking one with him to school before long. 

                We had several floods and I rescued several of our neighbor’s boats in February.  Fortunately I am an expert trout fisher so I own an insulated pair of waders.  Unfortunately the insulation is useless if you fall off the dock and fill them with ice cold water. Then all you can do is crawl to shore and lay on your back with your feet up hill so the water will run out of the waders…..and into your armpits.

                2019

                By Spring Jack had a terminal case of senioritis and got into some trouble for forging a very convincing form letter to all the freshmen telling them their lockers were being renovated and they should go to the office to get their new assignment.  Afterward one of his teachers confided that it was very good work and showed him a better way to lift the Notre Dame seal off of the website.  Cathy was super busy working at Hasco and I was still making a lot of food at regattas.

                Chris stayed at Auburn and had a miserable time taking all the hardest engineering classes in one summer.  Jack on the other hand

                • Went to Florida with friends
                • Began working at a local party and equipment rental store setting up tents
                • Got on everyone’s last nerve
                • Attended orientation at Louisville
                • Played guitar on the street in Chattanooga to support his sheet cake habit
                • Bought an entire wardrobe of shirts too ugly for a Japanese tourist (In spite of my fatherly advice)
                • Had the door of Black Beauty caved in by his best friend, because at this point Paul was the only one in his family who hadn’t hit Jack’s car.
                  • Fortunately it was just the driver’s door
                  • Chris helped him beat the dent out
                  • I intentionally ordered him a new handle in the wrong color

                Cathy spent a lot of her summer going to visit wood flooring plants and attending wood flooring trade shows.  I spent my time not killing Jackson and searching the internet for a 12 step program for sheet cake addiction. 

                In June I rented the house up the river for a guy’s weekend.  My brother David and I spent Friday morning at a tax auction where I bought Squalor Holler before we joined the gang.  There was actually someone bidding against me.  Now we had to give the owners a year to see if they redeemed it.

                When August rolled around we packed up all of Jack’s things and put his bike on the back of the 4 runner and headed off to Louisville.  We had just arrived in Louisville and were sitting on the off ramp when some guy slammed into us damaging the 4 runner, the bike rack and Jack’s bike.  The next day we dropped Jackson at the dorm with his new roommate Jackson (Because campus housing was messing with them) and spent the entire day getting a new bike rack and having his bike repaired.  In the end the bike was as good as new and Cathy didn’t spend the entire day crying.

                The bike was stolen from in front of  Jack’s dorm a week later and on the way out of town Jack e-mailed Cathy a very sweet letter that was specifically designed to make her cry the rest of the way home.


                 She did.

                April had marked our 25th anniversary and we celebrated by continuing a family tradition.  We put Jack in college and left the country.  We chose Canada because Cathy is fluent in French and we wanted to go somewhere that speaks French and isn’t France. It was the longest vacation I have ever taken and started by flying to Montreal and then driving along the St Laurence river stopping in Quebec and a number of famous resort towns along the way.  We ended up in Tadoussac and intended to take the ferry across to New Brunswick.  I signed up for the email updates for the ferry so we would know what its schedule was but after reading the reviews it turns out the ferry breaks down a lot.  Instead we decided to just head north into the very remote areas of Canada while working our way back to Montreal.  Highlights of the trip include;

                • We saw a  porcupine
                • Visited several very bad museums
                • Drank beer with samplings in it
                • We harassed the boys with texts, photos and my insightful observations (See exhibit A)
                • Went whale watching with captain Mary and had an exceptional day
                • Discovered that Spotify has a 70’s porn music playlist
                • Discovered that people stare at you if you play porn music in public
                • Proved my language skills by translating the term “Carrot foot” for Cathy
                • I received several e-mails informing me that the St. Laurence ferry was broken

                We had great time but were glad to get home.  Our dogs were not so happy to have us back since they had gotten used to all the attention at the dog spa.  I had to chase Delilah around and pounce on her to get her into the car.

                For the last 17 years I have tried to teach Jackson the life skills he would need.  These ran the gamut from dance moves and foolproof pickup lines to how to study and be a responsible human, but mostly the responsible human stuff.  None of it ever sank in, so when we sent him off to college without the necessary life skills, we prepared ourselves for the possibility that he may be back by January.  What we were not prepared for was Jackson turning into a completely different person than the cake addict that I didn’t kill the previous summer.  It began with text photos of beautifully written class notes and carefully planned study schedules and before long he was calling his mother once a week and getting great grades.  Apparently, he was listening all those years and suddenly it all came together, except the dance moves and pickup lines.  He still hasn’t mastered either of them.

                Both boys came home for Christmas and we spent a lot of time cooking and playing cards.  Cathy and I stopped getting each other Christmas presents years ago but this year I broke the rules.  Since the cart we used behind the lawn mower was destroyed moving river rock I surprised her by getting one designed to be pulled by an ATV.  The box was so large that it wouldn’t fit in the 4 runner and I had to go back to the store to pick it up with the flatbed trailer.  It is very handy and we eventually completed decorating the river bank using it to haul the rocks but Cathy keeps forgetting she owns it.  For some reason she always seems shocked when I tell her that she had a huge wagon. 
                For valentine’s day Cathy signed us up for a “Pints & Paints” class which was an art class held in a brewery.  We arrived before class for extra credit and as people arrived it became obvious that some people were taking the art seriously.  I persuaded one such couple not to sit next to us by telling them that the paints taste bad.  The beer was to our liking.  The example art we were to copy, not so much.  Instead we created our own original work of art.  It was hilarious watching the other couples try and keep a straight face when they told us how much they liked it.  Staggering back to the hotel we decided that we would make a gift of our art to the city of Chattanooga so we “Installed” it in front of a lesser sculpture along the way.  We were sure that someone who was more drunk than us would steal it but by the time we ventured out for breakfast it was still there and we had fallen from benefactors to common litter bugs.  There was nothing to be done but to take our creation home.  We did send a picture of it to Cathy’s art appraiser friend but she didn’t have anything nice to say about it.  I’m really not sure why we use her for our antiquities.

                As the winter dragged on there were a few notable happenings;

                • Jackson continued to prove that shaken baby syndrome eventually wears off
                • Chris put the worst of his engineering classes behind him and began to have a bit of a life
                • The grandson, toddler and baby momma of the woman at Salem’s lot moved in and were quickly joined by;
                  • Baby momma’s skank sister
                  • Skank sister’s meth head boyfriend
                  • Meth head boyfriend’s accomplice
                • No body redeemed Squalor Haller
                • I continued to go to my early morning workout cult meetings
                • Jack got mono and ended up in a hospital just as Covid was getting started

                By March we were feeling like a spring break.  Chris already had his planned with friends so we invited Jackson and his roomates Jackson and River to meet us in Florida where we had found a great deal on a condo on the beach above a coffee shop.  

                Cathy and I arrived several hours ahead of the boys so we picked up the mini-van and made a grocery run before picking up the boys at the airport.  That is why every cup holder in the van had a horrible flavor of White Claw in it when the boys climbed in.  They refused our generous offer of refreshment but we know that they would eventually lose their resolve.  It only took about 15 minutes after we dropped them (and the White Claws) at the condo and went to pick up our bicycles. 

                That night we discovered that a coffee shop that stays open until 11:00pm, has a live band and serves alcohol is a LOT like a bar.   The next day we all went sailing with Captain Dan and Diane above the Star of Orion.  We had a great time and it was very educational;

                • We were considered “Normal” by Captain Dan’s yard stick
                • Bringing monkeys in dresses aboard without asking is considered NOT normal
                • Trying to hold a funeral/burial at sea is also not normal
                • Cougars are older women on the prowl for younger men. 
                • Snow leopards are REALLY older women on the prowl for younger men.
                • Jackson and roommates are horrified by the concept of snow leopards
                • The Blue Martini is the best place to pick up/get picked up by a snow leopard

                We spent the week staying up late to the sound of a pulsing bass line, cooking big meals and buying the boys ever increasingly bad forms of alcohol.  (It is hard to ride a bike with a case of PBR in the basket)

                 We hadn’t been paying a lot of attention to the news until we got to Florida but after a few days we realized there was this virus thing going around and flying home might not be the best idea, but bad decisions are sort of a family tradition so we persevered.

                Shortly after we returned home Louisville shut down their dorms and went to online classes so Jackson came home and lurked in our basement until the summer term started.  I returned to not killing him and getting prepared for Chris to graduate at the end of the summer.  Jack moved into his new apartment in June so I could quit not killing him and he could be around other engineering students even though classes were all online.

                Cathy resigned from her job at Hasco in April after trying for over a year to get the new owner to adapt to the declining wood floor market.  We’re still not sure if she is retired or just out of work, but I’ll be happy to pimp her out as long as her new job suits me.

                Since it had been a year since the auction of Squalor Holler we moved into action with our scorched earth policy.  We burned things, we buried things, we gave away tons of cinder blocks and bricks and paid by the pound to haul away two 30 yard dumpsters of burned down meth lab and poison ivy.  We even used Cathy’s HUGE wagon to haul a few tons of rocks down to the river to add to the rip rap and bring some of the bricks down to the river side to build a patio for a fire pit.  The entire neighborhood stopped by at some point to thank us.  I teased one of the river front neighbors that we would be installing 5 single wide trailers on the property.  Karma hates me and decide to use that against me.

                At the beginning of July I got up to go work out and noticed an old broke down camper sitting in the middle of Squalor Haller.   At first we thought someone had dumped it there and called the sheriff.  Then we noticed that they had taken the time to set up the awning and use some of the remaining bricks to level it.  That is when we discovered;

                • The original owner has 1 year from the day the slacker government workers at the court clerk’s office actually file the court order from the tax auction (Not 1 year from the date of the auction) to pay their taxes and redeem the property
                • The original owners had paid the back taxes at the last minute
                • The original owners didn’t have valid driver’s licenses or tags on their truck so they only delivered campers late at night.
                • The original owners had two old broke down campers
                • The St Laurence ferry still breaks down a lot.  (This is unrelated but I still get texts)

                Cathy had been sued more than anyone I know so after we were unable to contact the owners of Squalor Holler to work out a deal, Cathy put all her knowledge of the legal system to work.  It took until August to get in front of a judge but by October we were the proud owners of Squalor Haller.  Curiously, both of the old broke down campers disappeared one night shortly after we filed the motion with the court. 

                For Jackson’s birthday, we went to Louisville and stayed in a VRBO house near campus.  We celebrated Jackson’s 19th birthday by cooking dinner for he and his roommates and presenting him with the Valentine’s Day artwork for his apartment.  He also didn’t have anything nice to say about it.

                Chris graduated in August and we had made plans to go for the ceremony but the school cancelled two weeks prior.  Luckily, I have been trying to get Cathy to rent an RV and go camping (If you can call it camping), and had finally been successful.  We had a small motor home and a camp site in Auburn scheduled, but with no graduation, we decided to go to a campground outside of Atlanta which is next to the Cathy’s friend Debbie’s neighborhood.   We made Chris bring his cap and gown and littered the site with Auburn graduate flags.  We took his graduation picture stepping out of the RV in his cap and gown with all the auburn flags in the background. 

                Our friends Debbie and Bill are much more up to date with popular culture and they are the ones who alerted us to the fact that the pineapple is a universal calling card for swingers.  Coincidentally, we weren’t the only camp site who had decorated with flags because three doors down was proudly flying a pineapple.  Bill and I had a corn hole match to decide who would have to go introduce themselves to the neighbors.  They weren’t home.

                After the graduation weekend Jackson went back to Louisville and Chris accepted a job offer to build boats with Master Craft in Vonore TN (Near Knoxville).   He was an unemployed college graduate for just over two weeks.  We found him an apartment in Maryville but it wasn’t open for 6 weeks so he stayed at home and commuted an hour each way.  During that time one of our favorite neighbors had a heart attack and Chris and I performed CPR for half an hour before the EMT’s called it.  We still miss Herman and it just doesn’t seem right to look out the window and not see him mowing his yard.

                Our non-river side neighbors had been busy throughout the spring and summer as well.  Louise’s son got out of jail and decided to live in the cinder block garage on peckerwood estates.  There wasn’t electricity, water or sewer so I was pretty sure that the summer heat would fix that problem, but for several weeks he would show up with friends after dark, set some furniture on fire and then disappear in the morning when the sun got hot.  He eventually got arrested again and has not been seen since.  Meanwhile the grandson, baby momma, skank sister etc. spent their days screaming at each other and working on their cars.  They never had any tools or spare parts, they just removed and replaced the door and trunk panels disappeared all night long and then did it all over again the next day.  It was this point that we decided to install the security cameras and we now have Skank-O-Vision.  It is kind of a perverse reality TV show and it would be much more interesting if it weren’t across the street.

                Delilah died at the end of the summer and both boys were out of the house. By Fall Cathy and I were mostly empty nesters except for Charlotte who refused to let us leave her behind.  Things were pretty quiet.  That is when Jackson sent us a letter explaining why he needed to move to Southampton England to enroll in the university there.  He wants to work in Formula 1 racing and since it is European it is unlikely they will come to Louisville to recruit.  He has a well thought out plan for achieving his goals and at this point he is a couple of weeks from finding out if he has been accepted.  It should make for a good letter next Christmas/Qwanza/Groun hog’s day letter.

                Charlotte died just before Christmas and with the election in progress we didn’t feel the need to add to the huge amount of stupid things going on so we have been keeping below the radar so you are completely caught up with the last 4 years. 

                I hope the magic of Groundhog’s Day fills every corner of your heart and home with joy — now and always

                Cathy, Mike, Chris, Jackson and all the neighborhood meth heads, skanks, accomplices and used camper salesmen.

                The way of the Groundhog

                QIC:  9-Volt

                Date: 02/01/2021 

                PAX: Clothes Pin, Mrs Baker; Thin Mint

                AO: The Battery


                Conditions

                Shadowey


                Good morning campers. Rise and shine for the groundhog day edition of F3. I’m 9-Volt and I will be your zoologist for today’s festivities. I am not a professional and do not know your medical conditions or limitations. You are here on your own volition. Push yourself but modify as necessary so as not to injure yourself.

                The Q prepared a special ground hog’s day playlist starting with Sonny and Cher’s “I got you babe” followed by Polka music by Weird Al Yankovic (Check him out on Spotify)

                COP

                • SSH IC x 20
                • Abe Vigoda IC x 20
                • SSH IC x 20
                • Arm Circles
                  • Fwd IC x 15
                  • Rev IC x 15
                • Seal Clap IC x 15
                • Miltary Press IC x 15
                • Chinook IC x 10
                • SSH IC x 20

                The Thang

                Groundhog Day
                * PAX moseys to the tennis court
                * The short end of the court is the groundhog tunnel
                * The long end of the court is the open prairie
                * Each tunnel has a list of exercises
                Starting at point 1 the PAX will perform the 1st exercise and then groundhog crawl to the other end of the tunnel (point2)
                At the end of the tunnel the PAX will perform 3 “Groundhogs” before answering a groundhog fun fact quiz.
                A. PAX answers incorrectly – crawl back to opposite end of tunnel, perform exercise and groundhogs again before answering again
                B. PAX answers correctly – run across the open prairie to the other tunnel and repeat using the exercise list for that tunnel.
                * Upon arriving back at point 1 the PAX advances to next exercise on list

                Tunnel 1-2
                15 x Squats
                20 x Lunges (10 each leg)
                10 x Smurf Jacks

                Tunnel 3-4
                10 x Sit ups
                10 x Unlawful monkey carnal knowedge
                20 x 100’s


                COT

                Words of Wisdom:


                Q1          Give 3 alternate names for groundhogs
                Woodchuck, Chucklings, Whistlepig, Mouse bear,Wood shick, groundpig, thickwood badger, moonack, weenusk, red monk and among French Canadians sifleux

                Q2          Groundhogs are one of 14 species of _______________
                Marmot

                Q3          What is the average weight of an adult groundhog?
                                13lb

                Q4          What continents are groundhogs found on?
                                North America

                Q5          What is the temperature of a hibernating groundhog?
                                37.2 degrees

                Q6          T/F  Groundhogs are listed as a threatened species
                F    

                Q7          Groundhogs are;
                a. Herbivores
                b. Carnivores
                c. Vegans

                Q8          What are young groundhogs called?
                Chucklings

                Q9          What is your favorite color?

                Q10        What is the lifespan of a groundhog?
                3-6 years

                Q11        What do groundhogs eat during hibernation?
                Nothing

                Q12        According to the Integrated Taxonomic Information System, what is the tribe of the groundhog?                Marmotini

                Q13        According to Cornell University, How much wood could a wood chuck chuck?
                700lbs

                Q14        What is the name of a group of groundhogs?
                Colony

                Q15        T/F Groundhogs can climb trees?            
                T

                Q16        T/F Groundhogs can swim?
                T

                Q17        T/F Groundhogs do not drink water?
                T, they get their liquids from plants

                Q18        T/F Groundhogs are nocturnal?
                F

                Q19        Who was the director of Groundhog Day?
                Harold Ramis

                Q20        What was the name of the character played by Stephen Tobolowski?
                Ned Ryerson

                Q21        What song is playing on the radio when the alarm clock goes off?
                I got you babe

                Q22        What year was Groundhog Day released?
                1993

                Q23        Where was Groundhog Day filmed?
                Woodstock IL

                Q24        How many inches do groundhog’s teeth grow per week?
                1/16”

                     

                Moleskin

                If this doesn’t make you feel better about yourself, nothing will

                I think Sonny is wearing a ground hog vest


                The average score on the ground hog quiz was a 37%
                There will be no curve

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